Nostalgia

Nostalgia

He was exciting. So wise I thought, always inviting. He accepted me the way I was, the way I am, no illusions, no need for hiding. We never spent our time arguing or fighting. He found my affection by listening, is this how all things of love begin in the beginning? Sometimes I wonder where he is now. I know I fucked it all up but I tell myself maybe, it was the timing. God please tell me, it was the timing.

Sometimes I miss him. Sometimes I hate him. Sometimes I love him  Sometimes I cry because I know I destroyed him when I tried to save him. I told him if he couldn’t be with me, he was dead to me. I couldn’t understand he could only be a friend to me. That’s really all he could be. So he loved me. But he didn’t love me. This is when I learned that even though love is beautiful… it can make you act ugly.

Yeah, I remember you
The things we used to do
Before I acted like a fool
Did shit that wasn’t cool
I’m sorry…


Drinking forty’s at his spot back when shit was hardnocks. He knew I was hood status but when we linked up, none of that seemed to matter. When we hit the clubs one straight one gay, we left the joint like we came in, we always left the same way. 


It was never about turning him out or getting him to be something that he couldn’t be. I just fell in love with his voice, his words, his smile and his majesty. I just wanted it all for me. Just for me.


Tragically,  It wasn’t meant to be. Him and me, I wish I had the self control to keep shit platonic but I guess that wasn’t me. I just couldn’t see. That I was damned to make this friendship end in tragedy.


So now I look back missing him, wondering if he missing me. Damn. Look at me! I’ve become a slave to my  memories.

Yeah, I remember you
The things we used to do
Before I acted like a fool
Did shit that wasn’t cool
I’m sorry…


I can’t bring myself to regret anyone. I accept all the crazy shit I’ve done. When I knew he didn’t feel the same way, I know now that I should’ve run. Far away, but I was already spun. In my heart, he already was the one. If I couldn’t have him? I didn’t want anyone.

Yes, I was childish. But then again, I was a child. Wild with a heart on fire, alive with a passion that could never be sated, controlled or mild. I've never really known a love from a man that was worth while. Then I met someone that was both strong and gentle, an artist Yo, I dug his whole style!

No, he didn’t lead me on. I lead myself. I just didn’t have the strength to check myself. Some how I tricked myself. That this love was once in a life time and I might never find somebody else. My friends and family tried to help.

They told me that I got it twisted, the point I missed it, no matter how hard I wished it, it’s not meant to be, let him go, let it go, It just isn’t. But so stubborn and proud I was, I knew he loved me, so I was on a mission, I really wouldn’t listen.

I know now, he didn’t want to hurt me. He just didn’t love me. I spent many years of my life feeling, stupid, humiliated and so incredibly ugly. I felt like the monster was me and I was kinda right, right? I mean, I betrayed my friendship with him, when all he did was trust me. I guess we all suffer from twenty twenty hindsight.

A friend shouldn’t fear another friend. I should’ve never put him in that situation. Where he had to crush me.  It was years I cried him outta me. As if the tears I cried, was the only way he would ever touch me.

I feel so guilty. I feel so filthy. Memories kill me. Happy, at peace, in love with a girl who loves him more than I ever could, I hope he is. I hope he will be.  Happy. Maybe he will forgive me. Maybe I can forgive myself someday because time still hasn’t healed me. I feel so guilty. I feel so filthy. Memories kill me.

He was exciting. So wise I thought, always inviting. He accepted me the way I was, the way I am, no illusions, no need for hiding. We never spent our time arguing or fighting. He found my affection by listening, is this how all things of love begin in the beginning? Sometimes I wonder where he is no. I know I fucked it all up but I tell myself maybe, it was the timing. God please tell me, it was the timing.


Yeah, I remember you
The things we used to do
Before I acted like a fool
Did shit that wasn’t cool
I’m sorry…