The Broken…(Poem of love, hate, healing and loss...)

The Broken…



I hate you. Just because you love me. You love me they way I can never love myself. What’s wrong with you? Why do you hold me after I go out of my way to hurt you? Don’t you know I’ll only love you when you leave me? Don’t you know I refuse to give you my heart because I don’t have one anymore? What’s wrong with you?

I need you. I have grown accustomed to your presence and you bending over backward for me, telling me it’s no trouble at all, when we both know your crying inside for just a scrap of affection I have to give, but won’t. Sometimes I want to tell you that you make me feel less alone but then I force myself to do something to make you cry. Then I walk away because It sickens me to hear you weep.

Sometimes you make me smile and I find myself feeling joy with you. Happiness and pleasure. When I realize what I am feeling. I hate you so much for making me feel those things that I ruin a perfectly good moment, just so I can feel safe and so you don’t. Still, I don’t want you to leave. So, I never tell you that you are a beautiful being. I neveer tell you that I am so afraid of losing you. I never tell you that  I know I’m dead inside and no one will ever see in me, what you do. No one. This I can never tell you.

I hurt you because I don’t know how to love or be loved. Even though I want your love. I don’t want to give you mine. When I make you cry it soothes me because I cry tears of blood upon waking up all day until I finally collapse into bed. When you cry I feel less alone. Woe filled lovers locked In misery and bound in pain. Pain is all I have ever known. So, why do you love me? How could you love me? When you should’ve known I am designed to end you and your heart of milk and honey. There is only desolation, despair and hate in the hollow where my heart once was. You fell in love with the echo of a man that I never really was.

When you are away from me I ache to hear your voice, your love filled words. I burn to feel your touch and your love.  Though when you return I become colder than a Siberian winter giving neither word nor acknowledgement. I hate you because I love you. I hate you because you remind me of how mangled I am inside and of how I sometimes wish I wasn’t. I am an ugly quagmire of sourness, regret, hate and bile and I choke back my bitterness everyday of my life. What is wrong with you? How could you love me when I can’t remember if I ever loved myself?

Finally, I have had enough. My bags are packed and I am leaving. You cry as you never have cried before. I no longer enjoy making you cry. I no longer find guiltless hours of glee tormenting you as I once did. I am crying. Crying because you are. You finally see who I am. A monster with no redeeming qualities to mention. Even though now, I can feel the hell I put you through. It’s not funny to me any more as I cross the threshold and finally close the door. I am leaving because I know now, you are an innocent that I have ruined and as I took your innocence you restored mine. I am choosing to leave you because you would stay with me and refuse to leave and let me hurt you just so you could love me. I had to save you from me. The fiend that I am. I couldn’t allow you to destroy yourself to please me. I’m not worth it.