MY SHADOWS GONE TO GROUND

Poem (conquering shadows.)

"MY SHADOWS GONE TO GROUND."

This shadow.

This shadow I've carried for so long, I've come to see it as an abusive lover. They lied to me. They said any pain I've suffered would make me tougher.

So much darkness inside sometimes I feel as if I could drown. Hurt and hate.
This is what my shadow is filled with so I battle my shadow daily. It's crazy that I'm not crazy, because somtimes I want to fall down. But, I'm too afraid to be called lazy so nighlty, I slay my shadows so my shadows go to ground.

What I became was a cold mother fucker.

Would it shock you to know, that when I was young, I loved flowers, dancing, singing and walking with a switch in my hip? But I was corrected on how to walk and talk so much so, I began to stutter and choke back the words I spoke afraid they were to feminine making me bite my lip.

Hearing words like faggot, nigger, mayatè since the age of six. Being told that I like dicks, when all I really wanted to do is play with dolls and do magic tricks.

Grew up thinking I was wrong. I don't recall exactly the moment I stopped singing songs. Feeling like "Don't touch me because I might like it if you do." Scaring people off because "If you stay I might want you to." Trying to be invulnerable while being vulnerable is hell. Always wishing to fall in love but hurting because you never fell.

This is what my shadow is filled with so I battle my shadow daily. It's crazy that I'm not crazy, because somtimes I want to fall down. But, I'm too afraid to be called lazy so nighlty, I slay my shadows so my shadows go to ground.

I secretly hate it when people stare. Because underneath the facade I project, I have a tremendous lack of self esteem, I'm engaged in a perpetual war.  A war between, me and my self-respect, doubting myself at every fucking crossroad or open door.

Am I worthy? Or am I just thirsty? It was cool to be lost in my twenties but a bitch is pushing 40 (shut up!). No one can hurt me like I can hurt me.

I know I act like my shit don't stink but hey I'm an actress. Sometimes I feel like papa and mama would've been better off wiping me off the mattress.

That's my shadow talking. It has a lot to say. It tells me I'm too ghetto, I'm too Feminine, I'm too ignorant, I'm too gay.

This is what my shadow is filled with so I battle my shadow daily. It's crazy that I'm not crazy, because somtimes I want to fall down. But, I'm too afraid to be called lazy so nighlty, I slay my shadows so my shadows go to ground.

This shadow.

This shadow I've carried for so long, I've come to see it as an abusive lover. They lied to me. They said any pain I've suffered would make me tougher.

This is what my shadow is filled with so I battle my shadow daily. It's crazy that I'm not crazy, because somtimes I want to fall down. But, I'm too afraid to be called lazy so nighlty, I slay my shadows so my shadows go to ground.