MY SHADOWS GONE TO GROUND

Poem (conquering shadows.)

"MY SHADOWS GONE TO GROUND."

This shadow.

This shadow I've carried for so long, I've come to see it as an abusive lover. They lied to me. They said any pain I've suffered would make me tougher.

So much darkness inside sometimes I feel as if I could drown. Hurt and hate.
This is what my shadow is filled with so I battle my shadow daily. It's crazy that I'm not crazy, because somtimes I want to fall down. But, I'm too afraid to be called lazy so nighlty, I slay my shadows so my shadows go to ground.

What I became was a cold mother fucker.

Would it shock you to know, that when I was young, I loved flowers, dancing, singing and walking with a switch in my hip? But I was corrected on how to walk and talk so much so, I began to stutter and choke back the words I spoke afraid they were to feminine making me bite my lip.

Hearing words like faggot, nigger, mayatè since the age of six. Being told that I like dicks, when all I really wanted to do is play with dolls and do magic tricks.

Grew up thinking I was wrong. I don't recall exactly the moment I stopped singing songs. Feeling like "Don't touch me because I might like it if you do." Scaring people off because "If you stay I might want you to." Trying to be invulnerable while being vulnerable is hell. Always wishing to fall in love but hurting because you never fell.

This is what my shadow is filled with so I battle my shadow daily. It's crazy that I'm not crazy, because somtimes I want to fall down. But, I'm too afraid to be called lazy so nighlty, I slay my shadows so my shadows go to ground.

I secretly hate it when people stare. Because underneath the facade I project, I have a tremendous lack of self esteem, I'm engaged in a perpetual war.  A war between, me and my self-respect, doubting myself at every fucking crossroad or open door.

Am I worthy? Or am I just thirsty? It was cool to be lost in my twenties but a bitch is pushing 40 (shut up!). No one can hurt me like I can hurt me.

I know I act like my shit don't stink but hey I'm an actress. Sometimes I feel like papa and mama would've been better off wiping me off the mattress.

That's my shadow talking. It has a lot to say. It tells me I'm too ghetto, I'm too Feminine, I'm too ignorant, I'm too gay.

This is what my shadow is filled with so I battle my shadow daily. It's crazy that I'm not crazy, because somtimes I want to fall down. But, I'm too afraid to be called lazy so nighlty, I slay my shadows so my shadows go to ground.

This shadow.

This shadow I've carried for so long, I've come to see it as an abusive lover. They lied to me. They said any pain I've suffered would make me tougher.

This is what my shadow is filled with so I battle my shadow daily. It's crazy that I'm not crazy, because somtimes I want to fall down. But, I'm too afraid to be called lazy so nighlty, I slay my shadows so my shadows go to ground.

Anubis & me.

I just finished speaking with Anubis during meditation. 

He showed me a memory of a dream I had when I was 18 years old. I was crawling in a field of wheat. It just seemed natural for me to be crawling. Anubis was walking beside me. We talked about many things. His life, his message and his duties to humanity and to Isis. 

He told me that I had alot in common with him. I didn't understand that at the time but now I realize he meant that I would be taking care of my mother as her guardian and protector in the future which is now my present, like he did for Isis. 

We laughed, faux-argued and laughed some more. Finally, it dawned on me that I was crawling. I stopped and he stopped at the same time. I got up and I saw the sky. I closed my eyes and felt the heat of the sun and the gentle breeze caress my face with its coolness. It felt beautiful. I slowly opened my eyes and I saw the endless field of golden wheat swaying with the breeze. I finally saw Anubis, not from the ground on which I crawled but eye to eye, as an equal. 

I realized he never intervened or looked down on me while I was crawling. He never judged me or belittled me. He treated me with kindness and waited patiently for me to evolve to the point where I could get up and stand and walk upright, on my own. This way he didn't cheat me out of my evolutionary process all the while protecting me as a learned to stand and walk. Again, on my own. 

"Better?" He asked me.

"Better." I answered. 

"Shall we continue?" He put his hand out, inviting me forward. 

"Thank you, yes."

He smiled and continued to talk to me as I woke up to a new day. 

I'm glad he showed me that memory that I had buried in my subconcious. It healed me.

Psychokinetic Energies & Entities...

TO MY FUTURE HUSBAND... (A poem.)

TO MY FUTURE HUSBAND...(A poem.)

I used to envy the weak. Because it seems, they have the ability to settle for anything.

I couldn't.

I wouldn't.

I waited for you because I knew before even knowing you, that you were my everything.

The smell of you provokes my passion.

Your eyes see through me like the fates see through destiny and it frightens me because, no one has been able to see the inside of me.

Like you do.

You see me.

The timber of your voice awakens me and holds my attention with your Masculine affection. I knew before I met you that you and only you, would appreciate my inner Feminine.

I've never given my heart, my body and my soul to a man I respected. So, my spirit is still quite virgin. I've only known pretenders and emotional thieves that expertly eviscerated my ability to trust, with the skill of a surgeon.

You heal me with your touch, your affection and your passion. You are my miracle in action. Loving you with the entirety of my being is instinctual and has become my most natural reaction.

I see you.

You are my sword.

I am your shield.

You are in my hand and I am in your hand. Many may not understand that it took lifetimes living without you but the miracle is, in this one? I am finally yours and you are finally, my man.

THE RIGHT AND LEFT HANDED PATH IN OCCULT & SPIRITUAL PRACTICE.

ASCENSION 2017 (My thoughts on Ascension and the global obstacles we are facing.)

"PSYCHIC VAMPIRISM" (The dark side of psychic & empathic abilities.)