Downwards has always swung the detestable sword of Damocles. Baying for my blood and soul. Such a punishing and crushing presence. How can one seek joy and life when it swings with eager hunger to grant oblivion? How can one be free when above your head dances death? I know hell. Hell is fear and dread of oblivion. Still, I struggle to free as many people I can from this hell. If I should be consigned to this realm of perpetual torment, sadness, loneliness, fear, doubt and insecurity, I will free as many of my fellow prisoners as possible. This has always been my lot. If I cannot taste freedom, I will die trying to help others claim it for themselves that my soul may live on through their happiness. This is who I am.
I have always brought light to the darkness just as I strive to bring darkness to the light. I have loved my enemies and hated friends and have been loyal in my convictions to both. I sacrificed my joy and happiness for others for as long as I can remember. Still, I do what must be done. As the sword does its eternal dance. It’s infernal and taunting dance of doom.
Now that the sword has fallen above my head, by divine providence it has missed its chance to cleave me in twain. I find my chance to flee oblivion. As if life itself beckons me to live another day. I feel shame and guilt for those that I can no longer save. Those that I can no longer protect. Those that must be left behind. How do I abandon them for my own salvation? Is it my fear of the very freedom I thought I would never have? Or is it the cowardice my heart hides about facing the unknown? Either way the sword of Damocles has fallen and found itself wanting, woefully missing its target. What shall I do with this grace I have been gifted with?
I find myself inexplicably mourning the very sword that lusted for my end. Mourning the fear and worry that so long has been a part of my life. This sword taught me humility, endurance, struggle, pain and granted me the will to fight and survive whatever the cost. It gave me the power to sacrifice for those that I protect and love. It gave me the gift to sustain emotional, spiritual, mental and soulful injuries while healing, loving, fighting, living, surviving and teaching others to do the same. The hell I have lived through is gone and I am finally…truly free.
Now the sword that has threatened me for so long with oblivion is swallowed up by its very threat. By the very thing it was the harbinger of and I am free. My heart is heavy for those I must leave behind. But leave them behind I must to save, heal, protect, love and this time be loved by those I will meet in the future of my continuing destiny. What I see now as the days become brighter and the nights sparkle with the stars of hope and dreams, is that I am truly worthy to be loved. I am not damned or cursed by ill fate or ill fortune. It is the stigmata that marked my soul in this life that colors my life and truth.
I have always been a Queen within a King and my kingdom is inside me. It is the wellspring of power, riches joy, love, passion for life and knowledge that I have chosen to share with the world. Even if it is one soul at a time. The sword of Damocles has always been my lover and within me sired a child. That child is faith. All that I once was, all that I once lived and all the hellfire that I ate, drank and lived through, I now give back to you Sword of Damocles, as you rest in the bowels of Oblivion. For I am free.
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