IN THE STILLNESS OF BECOMING...

My armor weighs heavily upon me. I have always fought wars with lesser opponents but the opponent that has consistently refused to fall and match my every attempt to become something more, has always been myself. I ache to become something more than myself. My armor, my shield and my sword are no longer part of my all. They are merely things. Things I have allowed to rule me and my projected self no longer resembles who I really and truly am. If indeed, it ever did.

Now I struggle to shed the weight of my armaments. As I cast aside my many aegises, I feel as though the world dons theirs, ever willing to seize upon my vulnerabilities that I secretly held captive beneath my protective shielding.  

I am not my armor. I am not a mere sword or shield to be wielded and sheathed. I am more than the successes and failures that define this world and my perception of it. I am more than the many enemies I have felled. I am more than the knight or the knave that I have been and that I have tirelessly fought to be seen as. In the stillness of myself, I have stolen glimpses of who I really am. I am gentle. I am a Samaritan. I am a temple. I am a messenger of guidance and spirit. I grow so weary of my ego. My ego…the bane of all human existence. My existence. 

In my lifetime I have caused blood to flow. I have tasted the metallic and salty flavor of my own. In so doing, I have not been able to move a world, change a world nor heal a world. Now I see, how can one effect change, move a people let alone the self and heal by bloodletting? This is not the way. It is not my way. Not anymore.

I know what I am capable of. I have lost the desire and the need to prove my pain causing talents when the pain I cause, I feel. It overwhelms me. So, let unseen foes sharpen their weapons and lie in wait as I discard the vestments of war I so greedily clung too. 

I allow myself to become. In the stillness of my inner realm I become the phoenix. Rather than defeating my enemies, I choose to transcend them. They have no power over me. I have been shaped by hunger, poverty, loneliness, pain and sorrow and still I have managed to heal, help, protect and love along the way. I have not fallen to self-abuse, self-pity, debauchery, hate and cruelty. I have stayed true, walking the imperfect road that is my life, imperfectly. Should challenges come with the strength of a storm, I shall become a mountain. Should challenges come in the form of a mountain, I shall become the sky. 

I shed my armor and become…more than what I used to be. That I might be what I have always been. This is my new adventure and woe to those who would encumber my transformation for I am a lowly pilgrim on the winding road to light and life accompanied by a ferocious animal within me ever willing to drag myself and anyone else into the darkest pits of chaos and despair should they test my resolve to become more than what I am.

In the stillness...I become...